Day 92 – September 17, 2021

Our new nomadic lifestyle has been so rich, so intense in the past months, I could find neither the time nor the mental quietness to sit with my colors…

But as things continue to evolve, Glen and I went into yet another downsizing day last week, in preparation for the big departure towards Mexico… It’s been so difficult for me to agree to part from the little possessions I have left. On that day, my art supplies box came next on the list; and it was painful. I entered a state of resistance, reluctant to separate from any of my acrylic pens, stencils, brushes, even from the pouches holding them… 

The pain I experience during this necessary downsizing process continues to reveal the places I surprisingly continue to cling to. These are pieces from what was home, of the home I left behind. And I am afraid of losing my landmarks in spite of the many times of relief I felt after agreeing to jump into the unknown.

My frustration kept growing, and grumpiness along as I couldn’t help but focus on what I had to let go of. But Glen stood his ground, assuring me I would not regret a simpler load of essentials and should still keep what I needed, to the minimum. I later noticed a new quality of softness in the way I responded and an art day was planned, meant to make use of the discarded supplies for new creations.

Glen asked me what I was making.

There was hardly any inspiration and at first, I felt empty inside, an emptiness that felt familiar, a feeling of void I had come to feel when I felt on a mission to accomplish something. Noticing this helped me enjoy playing with the colors while sitting in nature and thinking. 

I remembered the kids I worked with back in Israel and I felt the discouragement they had come to express at times. I thought about self-consciousness and self-judgment, how feelings of inadequacy could follow me everywhere and dominate my experience. But I remembered how extraordinary my experiences of late were. I would not give them away for any reason. So how could my mind focus on what I could not manage to do? 

And an answer came: I was emptying. 

There is nothing wrong with not remembering what I had once learned. I am on this path of unlearning which I had read and talked about so much in the past year.

I continued to paint, and continued to allow myself to be spoiled, assisted, supported by life… 

Watch our video to listen to the reflection…